Race,education and 9A1's.

Alright, before I proceed to this next rant, I just want to clarify some things. First of all, my rants are solely my opinions and thoughts. Secondly, I don’t plan to do anything about what I rant about because when I blog, I just want to let people know what I feel. Thirdly…and that is why it is called a rant.

It would have been much faster if it was a video rant. Haha. But anyhow…dwelling into the topic, I was reading the opinions section of the Star lately and cannot help but notice all the hype surrounding that one letter from this kid who got 9A1 and failed to get into a local university. And to make things worse, he got a B in Bahasa Melayu if I’m not wrong. All this responses to that one letter is just amazing, a clear portrayal of what the people want the government to do about its education system. How it is about time for a revamp. When I say people…I might have actually meant Chinese.

Actually I don’t know. I don’t want to have to talk about the education system and have to dwell into politics and then the race issue, but everything seemed so intertwined. But, I’ll try to stay on track. So among the responses received so far are like a “why does PSD (JPA) scholars get pampered”, “why does getting a B in BM doesn’t warrant you a place in the local universities”, “why does getting good results and having a good curricular background doesn’t get you anywhere” and other related issues. But the gist of it is, it always comes down to the color issue. This is really frustrating. This boy’s letter is getting all the attention that is needed to pinpoint the blame to the government being color bias. Crap…I’m so comfortably heading to the race issue aren’t I?

Stick to the education issue, stick to it.

I don’t want to have to talk about this like I am an arrogant, discontented bastard. I don’t want to have people reading this thinking that I am not glad that I got the scholarship and I don’t want to have people reading this treating me any differently. But for people who actually knows me, probably won’t because I talked about this more often than not.

Since I was awarded the scholarship after SPM back in 2004, I always have this ‘was-was’ about if I deserve it or not. It feels like that I don’t because my resume does not back my receiving this great honor. I didn’t seem to concur so nicely as to having a good result, boosted by excellent curricular aptitude. I was a normal kid, getting extra good results based on luck I supposed. Truth is, I didn’t even thought of college because I think my parents wouldn’t be able to afford it. All I know was that, it doesn’t matter, if I don’t get that scholarship, I’ll just stay in form 6, do my STPM, see where I go from there. I am the local university boy. Not that boy writing to the paper complaining about how he couldn’t get into the university despite his good result or that boy that insistently and relentlessly write about how he should’ve got a scholarship or anything of such because he had had perform so well in SPM.

Perhaps allowing me to be able to make a choice on what I want to do is something bad. I think I am that kind that allows thing to happen as they happen. I remember having to tell people who ask me what I’m gonna do in the future “We’ll see where the river flows”. Perhaps I’m like the Zen Master who adheres to the principle of unexpectability (if you watched Charlie Wilson’s War). I don’t think I will be ever confused if my life were decided for me by that river. Now that I have been given the privilege of choice, I become ever depressed, blaming every single wrong decision on myself rather than the river. That’s what you call self bashing. Back to the original topic.

I know I am whiny. But I am still going to whine about these little brats who think they deserve everything in the world because they work so hard for it. On the sidenote, maybe my indifference to being awarded the scholarship was the reason I was awarded the scholarship. Maybe karma came to me because you wanted it so much…you little brats! Take that!

Look, when I first read all these responses, i.e: “Getting 10A1’s, 9.2 for curricular (I don’t even know they have points nowadays), not getting into universities and matriculation, getting this amount of A’s, that amount of A’s and not getting a place in the university” all I had in mind was to lash out that the students. That’s what I usually do. I don’t usually see the big picture. Then I begin to realize that perhaps the government is at fault. Perhaps the only fault is the system itself.

So what are the reasons for these mishaps? Seriously, if you have such good results, you should be given the chance to have a better opportunity, somewhere, at least out of the country. Okay, let’s lash out at the government first. You guys suck. Okay, I’m saying that so I won’t be quoted in case I got caught. They probably won’t read that in court. “Andrew Low Chin Hock you are charged with blablabla because u said, “You guys(the government) suck.”” Haha. That would’ve sound so uniquely hilarious in court. But seriously, something need to be done to clear this mess and have fewer complainers.

First of all, you guys are giving out scholarships to people who are deemed undeserving and these other people are finding out. Worse yet, you are missing out these full A1’s scholars! You cannot do that and expect to get away with it. I think I am referring to PSD when I’m saying this. Then again, they are a governmental body and they should work things out among themselves. The SPM is such a bad evaluation system that people who deserved to be put in a full scholarship program are not. The range is huge. I mean, the amount of people scoring extremely good results are insurmountable now compared to the years before. Yes I understand that the economy is getting better and that we can afford to have more people overseas, but look at it this way, you are giving thousands of students the full A’s and surely you don’t expect to sponsor all of them, do you? Then, don’t la give worse off students the scholarship! I mean I totally understand that the economy standing of a family matters…but you occasionally missed out those economically average families with good results and are sponsoring sons and daughters of dato’s and richies.

And then, to make matters worse in such a way that you think doing so will help a specific race, you raise the bar of a specific subject so high that, the race which is taking that subject will most likely not get a good grade on that subject. And you lowered the bar of a specific subject so low…forget it. Everyone knows what I’m talking about. I really don’t think this is something that should be done. It is indeed very unfair. In the US we have affirmative action…there are bad points, and there are good points, but it was never overdone. This is just overdoing it. You cannot specifically help one race while destructing another. You can continue to help one race, and still be able to help the other just the same, maybe less.

I don’t know what else to say anymore, like I say I can only blog for a certain extent till I run out of thought and momentum. The light’s pretty much out now. And I’m pretty sure my previous paragraph is something we all know, but we just keep that in our mind and be sour grapes.

Do you know why you are losing scholars, or at least really good people like some of my friends to other countries? It is because you are not doing a good job taking care of us. We need your care just like your another son and if you’re going to continue to be biased by feeding him with all you can and leaving us to starve, we’ll find ourselves another father, man. And then you complain that we are not loyal as a son? What the fuck? We have perception and rationality as well. We are not dumb. If you are to treat us like we’re not your son, we are going away. So, now you’re gonna tell us that you have given us bed, a place to live and food? I think we both know that you have probably just only given us a place to live…while food and everything else…we didn’t get it from you. You’re like that man who stored his daughters in a dungeon for 24 years…using them as sex slaves. I’ve had enuff for today.

From wanting to scold the student to having to scold my father. Haha. How hilarious. I am such a redneck. :)

From Ann Arbor to Melaka

From Ann Arbor to Melaka. Every year I rant about the same same thing, wonder if people ever get bored listening to me yapping about the fact that I go back and forth between 2 of my home. Kinda feels like a celebrity now that I can actually have 2 home; one for leisure and the other for work. ==’

Allow me to portray on the map how my life works. I live in Ann Arbor for about 8-10 months every year for the past 3 years and then I come back to Melaka, I don’t exactly know why I came back, but I did. I frankly don’t think I can accept anymore of this coming home, going back. Everytime I do that, I have to reboot, refresh, adapt and acclimatize. Last year I came back and start blogging about random stuff I experienced or have insight about for that one month when I was home. How wrong was I to even come back. How fucked up was I to even come back.

Andrew 7^th May 2008 is definitely very disappointed at Andrew 7^th May 2007. Why did you choose to come back, idiot? By God, if I can go back through time, I’d knock some sense into that little kid back there who knows not that time doesn’t wait for no one. I always have these thoughts about how wonderful it would be if I could actually go back through time and change things that I’d like to change. But I always have to argue if I’ll actually do it because if I’m able to go back through time, get younger physically but yet maintain the same conscience as the present (meaning I will consciously have to go through the things I have already gone through, eg: I’ll probably have to go to the same classes, same exams, same expectable reactions from friends) will I actually want to change the past?

Forget that nonsense because living my life based on a fantasy is one last thing I’d like to do.

I really don’t have anything to blog this time around; nothing seemed to have seeped into my neediness to talk, rant or comment. I kinda adopted the ‘don’t talk, more action’ attitude. Apparently, that’s not working out too well for me though because I have less action now that I talk less. ==’

I’m better off being that guy who can’t stop talking, talk and talk and talk about crap or things he wants to do but never really get to it. At least I’ll get close enough to it rather than nothing.

I had a plan to blog about the past 8 months since I never blogged since I last went back to Ann Arbor. Wasn’t really in the mood. Especially in the last 4 months, where I think I specifically allow my mind to decay to a level of mediocrity I can’t except. Right as of now, I can’t think properly, can’t perceive things critically, and that is why…I got nothing to blog about ==’ Truth is, the last 4 months were the worst months I ever had in Michigan. I had good results yes, due to my incessant ‘need to study’ attitude. I never did got to studying hard enough though. If I did, I would’ve gotten myself a flat. But, I got myself a 3.675 which is satisfying enough for me since I’ve did worse in the past semesters. Doing better in the last 8 months means it increased my CGPA by 0.05. Damnit. Doesn’t that just suck?

Let’s see what I did for the past 8 months.

In a totally unrelated thought, I realize that I should actually blog for myself, not for others. I always thought it’d be great to have other people read about you and who you really are, but I soon found out that I read the previous blogs more than anyone else would have read it. These blogs are snapshots of my life, of when I was young and how different I was. Even reading something I wrote 2 years ago made me feel that I changed so much, imagine if I were to read what I write now 20 or so years later. Presuming I’m alive and well. And married…hopefully. Haha.

I did very little in Michigan. I love the simplicity of my life, and I also hated them. I am a contradiction, I hate and love a lot of things at the same time. I usually hate them when I don’t put much thought into it, but when I do, I start to love them.

So let’s see.

Taking a stand...i guess. :)

Now, now, it's been quite a while since I blogged. The last post was dated Oct 7, that makes it 6 months ago. Perhaps the reason I stopped was because I thought no one would take interest in what I'm blogging. No one really cares on what you're expressing. Or perhaps because I am preoccupied with spending time with friends, completing homework and reports that I feel like blogging is a waste of time.

Nevertheless, that was last year. This semester, things are a bit too laid back. I'm taking mere conceptual classes, so, there are not report to complete nor homework that are so tough that it requires so much time; going to office hours, reading the same chapter over and over again, etc.

I had a room mate back then, so, time were spent talking with him about the most redundant matter. 

Or perhaps, the reason I stopped blogging because I feel like its pointless to argue about a point you feel strongly about. Many times, people are so engulfed in what they say and feel, they just refuse to consider, analyze and scrutinize the other side. That's how ignorant people can get. Isn't it much simpler just to look at one page and not the other one that's against your basic principles.

Many of my post cannot be supported by statistics, and many are biased(ironically, since I'm talking about non-bias thinking) but I believe most of them are true if seen from a skewed(my!) angle. So as I was saying, most people would probably find it much easier, quicker to let the scenario fit into them. Politicians for one, sometimes take stands they don't even know why. And many take stands for selfish reasons. Let's diverge a bit from this point about taking a stand and talk about the election that has just passed. 

It is indeed not-quite-arguable that, voting for the opposition is better than rooting for the previous government. With the incessant chatters and argument about how the opposition will bring change to the nation, who wouldn't? The local news has definitely lost its venom as the spearhead medium for our dear majority government to spread it's 'propaganda'. Thus, this proves that the mamak...is indeed, more powerful than the daily paper :)

I always get off point, that's why sometimes my blog can be rather long. Skim through it, reading it only one, and you should probably get the gist of it. Anyhow, I'll just end my point with a question. Perhaps most people would already know the answer. Do you really think voting for the opposition is what you should do?

I can already hear the insistent shout of the fellow college-goers.

Truth be told, I have a very awkward way of thinking. I try to always think from both side of the story. This makes me insane, paranoia and sometimes unstable. I start thinking of the would-have's and the what-if's. It is tough, and I feel like I am cursed with this. Every time I start doing something, my mind asks me "What if...?" or "How about...?"

It never occured to almost anyone I know. No one will think to both side of the story because taking a stand...and a strong one at that is easier and makes you a definite person. Taking a stand allows ppl to categorize you into the good or bad, putting u at extreme ends. Makes you a better person because it drives you to want to work to strengthen your side of the story. 

To those who are amorphous like I am, you fall into the deep, dark well with no one to listen to your scream for help, because everyone else is so preoccupied with his/her loud, firm voice. 

And all those argument about stand...initially I want to talk about rape prevention/punishment. Maybe I'll continue next time 'coz I gotta go soon.

Lil update and answers to tag :)

It's been such a long time that I post any updates...so people wont probably come to my blog...but if they do...here you go :) It's just that things are like so messed up for me.

Strangely, I don't have a lot of things to do and I try to keep my life as simple as I can...as manageable as I can. I know that once I get back, things are gonna be so routine, I'd be wondering sometimes if ever this is a good way to live life. But I feel good when things are routine-like. It's like even though I don't have like a lot of surprises, I'll still feel good because when I set my life to be routine, I try to put the things I like into the routine things I do.

Last 2 week, I tried to join the Solar Car Team...I feel like I should be a part of something, use my opportunity wisely here. But someone made me realize that if I'm not into that something, why should I even bother to participate right? Somehow, the short stint of participation only lasted for 3 weeks and I realize I cannot cope.

I get crazy under pressure, and on Mondays and Tuesdays, things are just unacceptable. I was spending my time trying to figure out about the homework and working on my lab group report. Worse part is, I volunteered to do it even though my English is not that good. Evidently, I might just screw their points up. Oh well.

These few days, there were at least 3 birthday celebrations. And a couple of them involves alcohol. No good. Some of us are under 21, and the police stumbled upon us. Nevertheless, nothing bad happened, so we're cool. But I just don't get what's with drinking I guess. Maybe I will never get it because I just don't like it. I mean, people don't even get why I like certain things. Then again, I think drinking is just unnecessary. Do you have to get yourself drunk every time you get the chance to?

Then it was my birthday. My God, I spend my birthday eve trying to do homework. Worst part about doing homework when you're weak at your basics is...it will take a very very long time to solve for even the most mediocre of question. So yeah, while everyone gets it, I will be sitting there trying to figure out what the hell is going on. And at 12 something am on Wednesday, my friends came to where I was (at the computer lab doing homework) and brought a cake along. It was really sweet. I totally needed that something to cool me off. I was on fire. My brain was on fire thinking crazy thoughts about how stupid I was, how I'm not suppose to be doing engineering, how I'm not suppose to come here and everything and that one moment of caring friends really cool it off. Because I know that even though the times are tough and everything seemed hopeless, you still have your friends who care for you. Who thinks that you deserve to be looked upon...things like that. It was all good :)

I just woke up at like 2.35pm and I'm feeling extra guilty right now because I slept for almost like 10-11 hours...Then somehow I just realized I was tagged and I thought that maybe before answering her question...i'd add a short update :) So here you go

hOonG's Q: i cant tink of a good one. so..mayb an easy and common one. u noe dat sumone hav feelings for u.. but he/she does not show any extra expression about it. but u just felt it! and of course u heard dat he/she reli hav a crush on u. one dat is vry serious. wat will u do?

That will probably not happen to me in this lifetime...but if it does, I think I'll freak. Haha...okay I won't. Thing is, I'm so desperate right now, I'd just accept that she has a crush on me and have a relationship with her...most guys would've taken that road. At least for me, I'd like to really have a girlfriend, someone who I can share my thoughts, emotions and things like that. Someone who I know will be there to help me when I'm in trouble. Someone who's my safety net.

BUT. I guess the right thing to do is to see the situation. I would probably try things out with her and make it clear that I am trying to see if things are going to work out. And if it doesn't work out, (usually when things don't work out, both side will be ready to let go), I will let her know and we can still be good friends nevertheless. That's how I see the situation. Very idealized but it can be done :)

I'm tagging no1 coz I ain't got time to do so... -.-"

Intelligence.

You know, there really isn't such a thing as "the most intelligent".

Intelligence is a very relative scale that varies from one person to another. I've always have this perception that I am rather stupid. It seemed like when my brain rusts...like now, I begin to think that maybe I am stupid. Then I begin comparing myself with my counterparts. My friends. My classmates.

Even though I am not extremely behind in scores and everything, I feel like I am. Intelligence is relative. Sometimes it sucks to have been a scholar and think that you're stupid. Sometimes I feel so painful and torturous having to have put into this stream of mathematical flood. I am flooded with formulas and facts day by day but I just choose to ignore them.

Because I have somewhat a degraded view of knowledge I choose to get intact with my emotional side.

But really. There's nothing more to intelligence than intelligence itself. It is what we think we are. Whether we are intelligent or not it doesn't matter, right? Because in college...it really boils down to how hard you work...how not a procrastinator are you.

The mind of a procrastinator.

Those were the wantan's I was making la...haha. Joe did the cooking and the chopping...I did the folding :)

Seriously. I am a procrastinator. I know many others who admitted that they are like the worst ever procrastinator...but I think I own that spot. Haha. Okay...maybe I don't. But hey...I'm bad. You wanna know what's it like to be a procrastinator?

It's like this.

You wake up in the morning and class starts in 2 hours. So, you go back to sleep spending ur time dreaming about your fantasies and desires when you can wake up and cook yourself a nice breakfast or go jogging/exercise. You wake up 1 hour 45 minutes later and you convinced urself that you still can sleep for 5 minutes :) Strangely...when you sleep...all these decisions are like so extremely rationalize. It's like against all odds, you can still convince urself to sleep back -.-"

Then come back from class...time to finish up the assignment or do some reading. 5 minutes. 5 minutes the limit. You sit on the table quietly for 5 minutes and after realizing that the semester just started and homework isn't due till next week, you stand up...and went to the fridge. Haha. Okay...that's for me...the FAT procrastinator. You open the freezer and continue eating that huge bucket of ice cream (about 20cm in diameter and 20cm in depth) which is already 7/8 gone in less than a week. After taking the ice cream leh...instead of going back to the table and continuing studying/looking at ur homework...you open a new tab in Mozilla and type in www.tv-links.co.uk and watch the next episode of Scrubs...haha.

The Icecream :)

Scrubs is such a nice show...It's funny, but at the same time, JD's personal silly contemplation makes you think deep about the things that we used to ignore. The things we go through everyday, but we don't realize it because we don't stop and ponder. We just go about doing everything like it's just another day. But everyday really is a new day. If we think deep enough, we'll begin to notice all those things that made us slaves to our own lives. Oh well.

Then it continues...on and on. I'd suppose to be checking out research opportunities and career stuff...but I end up...again...watching another episode of Scrubs or just playing the guitar... -.-"

The life of a procrastinator. He just won't be able to get anything done. And when the due date is days away...he freaks. And begin blogging about how f**cked up he is...haha. Damn. Cannot be changed apparently.

On the sidenote...many things happen not to our expectation. Sometimes we hope that things will turn out fine, perfect like some kind of story with a happy ending, but really...we are not the writer of that story. God's the writer and He/She decides what's written in that book. But many other time...the story's good. So enjoy it before it ends :)

My new room

-alch the FAT procrastinator-

Tomorrow's football Saturday and my iPod's healed! Also...check out the freaking new iPod nano... -.-"

Past few days...

It's been like a few days since I came back that I added anything. I guess when I reached here, I don't really have the mood to blog because I am surrounded by my friends all the time. They sleep with me, eat with me, go to class with me. Crapz.

At home, I was pretty much by myself and don't really hangout with friends that often, so because I have so little to talk to, I turned to the computer...then become all emotional and philosophical.

But now...class start d. Still pretty relaxed, living everyday to savor every moment from the sleeping in class moments to the getting back and playing the ps moment.

The flight was...my goodness. Refer to my previous blog entry in my old blog la...hahah. Same old same old, only this time I went back with Joolee, so at least it's not that tormenting. Watched 5 movies in that 14 hours flight. How I made it through...I don't know. I was like sitting in the middle with some sort of feeling like wanna shit kinda feeling. It really sucks because it's like you don't want to shit 30000 ft above ground level, but your stomach is not feeling really comfortable...so you resort to watching that 6 x 4 inch TV in front of you.

I watched...should be in the right order:

1. Meet the Robinsons
Chuan...u told me bout the show. Maybe it's because I'm to kinda dizzy to watch...or the show's boring -.-" hahaha...it is quite. Or maybe coz you already told me the twist about the baseball kid.

2. Shrek the Third.
Wah sien...coz you know la...dizzy dizzy. Slept halfway through the movie then continued.

3. Disturbia
Pretty cool movie I guess. But, abit predictable. So...sien.

4. 300
We are Sparta!!! Tooooooo much shouting la...you King-apa-nama-i-tak-ingat-coz-i-tengah-dizzy-kat-plane.

5. The number 23.
This movie I watched like 2 hours before my flight ends. So kira when land, the movie ngam ngam ho finish. It's a movie acted by Jim Carrey and seriously, I think its nice. I guess I'm into movies that aren't box office. Movies that carries some sort of meaning and mystery. Movie that makes you freak. It's kinda like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...but less freaky and more to reality. But still...try watching :)

Anyhow, that was 2 days ago. Everything went fine for the past 2 days. Been getting my iPod fixed and settling down.

Today I cooked. It's not the first time I cook really. I cooked a few times before and have very limited knowledge bout cooking...unlike Remy -.-"

I guess I don't have that cuisintuition - combination of cuisine and intuition :D New word coined by me. Hehe. Anyhow ya...my definition of cooking is to just mix everything I like together and put them in the pan. Then...do your thing la...fry ker, letak kicap ker...hahaha. Remember the letak minyak though.

End result:
1 goreng chicken dish and 7 plates to wash -.-"

Guess that's what happen when you're an amateur. You just keep taking plates to accomodate what you can do in the kitchen...even if what you can do is rather limited :)

Listening to Kamu by Nitrus makes me emo...in your long long time ago blog you mentioned that you've taken me for granted. You never did you know. You never did took me for granted. You've been there for me from time to time :) And you were never stingy too because we all know you're filled with love. The zest for life and love. Tell me how's the new semester la when it starts :) Have fun~